Do you cabbage patch?

Remember those plush, flat-eyed/empty hearted bastards? The beloved doll of the 80s which turned into the ironic dance of all wannabes at weddings thereon out? The creepy abandonment newborns that would soon grow into fire starter bobby. The dolls which sparked the reactionary "Garbage Pail Kids."

FK had a normal one which she didn't like b/c it had brown hair (everyone knows that all good toys/dolls have blond hair) and a newborn. FK HATED both of them. Firstly, FK lacked the requisite imagination to actually enjoy playing with them. Additionally, FK did not have maternal feelings towards them and her treatment often ran towards the abusive..."I wonder how many times they will bounce when I hurl them down the stairs.." No shock FK hasn't reproduced. As we all know, maternal feelings don't necessarily knock you out of the mommy competition (ahem: )
No, what troubled 5 year old Fat Kid the most, besides her limited access to macaroni and cheese, was the responsibility of adoption. To have a cabbage patch kid, one had to take an oath to love and care for it. What does a 5 year old know about caring for an inanimate object? FK was having difficulty mastering the art of getting dressed herself, let alone swaddling and feeding a baby that no one else wanted. Would FK be the next person to abandon this sack of plastic fluff and polyester? Would FK have to get on the doll dole? What if FK stumbled upon another abandoned baby on her walks around her own garden? What would FK do with this bby made of vegetables once she mastered its basic car? More broadly, what does one do with babies in general once you have mastered its basic care? These troubles aside, what is this toy doing to children trying to figure out where babies come from? Why wasn't there a massive protest of children from the 80s when they found out the horrible truth in health class?
Why this sudden interest in cpk (a little shorthand for those in the know)? While googling plans for her boozefest in Helen, GA, FK was reminded of these "darlings." A visit to the cabbage patch may be in order...drunken visit to the cabbage patch, that is. Stay tuned.
So, ultimately, cabbage patch kids equal stress and lies.